I am an Incredibly Attractive Man: Snape's Journal
by Mmm Johnny. drooooool
Summary: This is funny. Read it and you will laugh.


Authors' note: This belongs with this First of the Geek's "Diaries of a Siriusly Skewed Individual" read that one first.

Also note that I don't own any of the characters in this story. However I do wish I owned Snape…_swoon_

I am One Incredibly Attractive Man: The Journal of Severus S. Snape  


**August 27 **

**Bedchamber**

**Midnight**

I would like to say that I am most undeniably not looking forward to this coming year at Hogwarts. Be it my 7th year, I am quite positive that Black and Potter will once again cause me pain like no other.

I am not sure why I don't just turn them into complete idiots. More so than they already are, mind you. How they get away with anything in this school is completely beyond me.

At least I have Defense Against the Dark Arts to look forward to. Thank Merlin I have an extraordinary gift for the dark arts.

Speaking of dark, my horrid blonde roots are growing in. Excuse me whilst I color my hair black.

_Yours most sincerely,_

_Severus S. Snape_

**September 1**

**Train back to Hogwarts**

**5:09 p.m.**

Sometimes it gets lonely without friends. But I suppose it's alright. As long as I have my devilish good looks and my one of a kind glare of death, I shall make it through this year almost unscathed.

I can't understand why the women won't spare a second glance at me. I personally think my bleach white skin is actually quite the fashion statement.

I suppose it might just have something to do with how my hair never stays clean for longer than an hour. I could wash it every 5 minutes and it would still look like I wash my hair with train oil.

**5:14 p.m.**

When I run Hogwarts, I will most assuredly get rid of all the Hufflepuffs. And the Ravenclaws. And can't forget about those Gryffindors. Honestly. Sometimes it seems as if us Slytherins are the only people who have any knowledge of what common sense is.

Especially those damn Hufflepuffs. I'm not entirely sure if they could get any more empty headed.

However I would like to point out that one particular Ravenclaw girl shall go down in the entire history of Hogwarts as the most scatterbrained, empty headed, and completely careless girl around.

Honestly. Potter and Black have more common sense than her!

I take that back. There are no words to describe the duo. I shall just erase the above sentence from my mind.

Much better.

Now where was I? Oh yes.

Well, I was minding my own business, walking down the corridor in the train compartment, and I was looking at all the shiny windows just observing how utterly handsome I am.

Then I pass another glass window, and Potter and Black are staring at me through it. Now I was just doing what I do best, (next to of course, the usual sneering, glaring and otherwise brooding qualities that I possess) and they slam open the door in a most absurd fashion and decide to start mocking me.

Whatever did I do to deserve to be mocked?

So I send them my usual glower as I pushed my unnaturally greasy hair out of my face.

"Well if it isn't the charming Severus Snape, himself." I sent a rather remarkable glare towardsMr. Potter and then Black decides to chime in as well.  
"What were you doing Sevvy? Admiring yourself?" And then they burst into laughter! Not just regular laughter… extremely violent laughter. I swear I heard one of them snort.

So I racked my brain for a good hex or curse to send at them when all of a sudden they pull their wands out!

I grab my wand from the inside of my black velvet waistcoat and immediately they scream, "EXPELIARMUS!" And so now I have no wand.

Next thing you know I'm being hurled rather aggressively down the corridor and I land at the feet of some poor helpless Ravenclaw. (Had I known then just what she was about to do I would have strangled the girl almost instantly.)

She immediately saw me and slammed the door to her compartment shut…on my poor blessed fingers. A rather unfair thing to do, because any sane witch would of course stop dead in their tracks just to stare at the beauty I hold.

So of course I immediately jump up and start completely kicking down the door. For two reasons now, 1 because my blasted fingers hurt, and 2 because she denied the absolute splendor that is of course, yours truly.

Well I might have kicked a bit too hard on the door because it did almost fall over…

But then I felt an excruciatingly sharp pain in my side and I just fell over! So then I hear the compartment door open and I roll over to see what's going on and I end up staring right up this girl's robes. Extremely unheard of, I must say.

So this girl turns to look at Sirius and she has the nerve to ask who he is! While I'm writhing with pain!

So I of course answer her question with, "He's a bloody dead man. And you will be too once you stop showing me your nether bits!"

Then what does Sirius do? He mocks my word choice. I happen to like saying nether bits. What would he have liked me to say? Vagina? Privates? I think nether bits was just fine.

Long story short, I was mocked and teased once again, I threw an extremely harsh glare at this girl, (who's name I found out was Pippa. Ugly name, really.) and stalked off.

Serves her right.

**9:30 p.m.**

**Dorms**

I've been giving this muggle music a try, all the while practicing my dark arts skills of honing into the future.

So by combining both of these spectacular gifts, I've discovered this song by a certain man by the name of Denis Leary. A rather crude man, however I salute him. Great song.

However I don't know what porno, football or cigars are.

Muggles have such interesting names for things.

So the Ravenclaw girl, along with Sirius and James have detention for 2 weeks. However if it were up to me I would skip detention and just expel them. Or hang them from the ceiling by their hair.

Well I think it's time for my beautiful self to go shower. There are lots of mirrors in the shower rooms. glee

Oh dear. I just smiled.

What has this meaningless world come to?

**11:54**

**Dorms**

I have developed the ultimate potion against the awful sun. Guaranteed to keep my skin white than… the color white.

Goodie.

And now I'm off to bed. But first I suppose I'll have to take down the mirrors surrounding my bed.

Don't want anyone asking any ridiculous questions.

_Yours most sincerely,_

_Severus S. Snape_


End file.
